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They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton asked David. “All these crying babies…and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
“The nurse said, “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse….”
Link: Cat vs Dog
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Q. Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
A. When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.
Q. Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?
A. This comes from the French word m’aidez – meaning ‘help me’ – and is pronounced approximately, ‘mayday.’
Q. Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?
A. In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’
Q. Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A. In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q. Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?
A. In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.
Q. Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A. It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.
Q. Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?
A. Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the center of attention.
Q. Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?
A. Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q. In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.
Q. Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A. Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
Q. Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A. The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren’t notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.
The Lad Point System
Thou must gauge how much of a lad you are by the point system
Pulling a wench on a night out (1)
Backing up a fellow lad even if they’re wrong (1)
Ignoring your wenches phone call for Fifa (1)
Throwing punches at your mate for scoring a Jew goal on Fifa (1)
Using a wenches expensive shampoo and conditioner on your pubes because their worth it (1)
Always abiding by shotgun (1)
Living life by the Lad Bible (1)
Pulling a grenade to wing a fellow lad (2)
Spreading your seed on a night out (2)
Bashing and dashing (2)
Ignoring a wenches calls and text because your watching the footy (2)
Wearing your retro England footy shirt on holiday (2)
Asking your mates mum if she thinks the wench on page 3 has nice chebs (2)
Being honest with a mate about his car .. when Jeremy Clarkson has ridiculed it (2)
Farting so that everyone has to leave the room (2)
Spreading your seed on a wenches face when she least expects it (3)
Steaming in when your palls in trouble and throwing windmills even if you don’t connect (3)
Taking the dirt track because the river is running red (3)
Throwing a friends drink over them because they ordered half a pint (3)
Sleeping with the Fat girl because your mates have challenged you (3)
1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.)
2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously.
3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG?????” very loudly.
4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties”
5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!!!”
6. Flick pieces of paper around the class.
7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.”
8. Don’t do your Homework.
9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly.
10. When you have a supply teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name it Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!”
1. Whenever they walk past you get all your friends to stare at them
2. Lick your text book in front of them, if they ask why you did that say “What would you rather me lick your text book?”
3. Itch your head for the entire lesson
4. Leave notes on your teachers desk saying “have you checked the children”
5. If another teacher/students knocks on the door during class scream ‘WE’RE UNDER ATTACK’ and get everyone into combat position. (includes a bit of pre-planning)
6. Instead of bringing a pencil case to class put all your equipment in a picnic basket
7. When they are standing behind you breathe really loudly and continue to do your work
8. If you have to write a story copy the first chapter of harry potter in the philosophers stone and hand it in
9. Bring a drink bottle into class and spill it, then go ask to refill it then spill it again etc etc
10. When your teachers in earshot talk about how you got smashed on the weekend and stole someone’s car
Translated from German:
Give her one of the hooded sweaters your so everyone knows she is your
Look into her eyes when you talk to her
Let her fool around with your hair
Look at her like she’s the only girl you see
Tickle her even if she says stop
When she gets mad at you, say you love her
Let her sleep in your arms
Be up with her all night when she is sick
The document is below
So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus…
1)Thou must follow the student bible
2)Thou must get absolutely hammered in Freshers week
3)Thou must participate and excel in drinking games
4)Thou must be honest when playing I have never
5)Thou must be extremely hungover for the whole of introduction week
6)Thou must not cook thy own food
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