Official Rules of Being a Man
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Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss’ car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Rule 5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Rule 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However, you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
Rule 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.
Rule 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
Rule 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
Rule 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
Rule 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
Rule 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
Rule 13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.
Rule 14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Rule 15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
Rule 16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
Rule 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Rule 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
Rule 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
Rule 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, unless she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Rule 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Rule 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Rule 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
Rule 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Rule 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
Rule 27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
Rule 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men’s Figure Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.