The Student Bible

August 23rd, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Facebook Fan Page: The Student Bible

So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus…

1)Thou must follow the student bible

2)Thou must get absolutely hammered in Freshers week

3)Thou must participate and excel in drinking games

4)Thou must be honest when playing I have never

5)Thou must be extremely hungover for the whole of introduction week

6)Thou must not cook thy own food

Click below to continue reading….

7)Thou must avoid green food at any extent

8)Thou must live off take aways, beans, pasta and vitamin tablets

9)Thou must show no shame when going in to uni in your pyjamas

10)Thou must bring several trophies back from a night out, cones, chairs, tables, posters and a member of the opposite sex

11)Thou must not attend over 50% of lectures throughout the year as they are all online

12)Thou must take it in turns to carry each other home

13)Thou must be over friendly in Freshers week and then realise that you don’t even like half the people the next week….

14)Thou must have the biggest sound system in the block

15)Thou must wake up and start drinking the following day

16)Thou must excel at being a lad/ladette
17)Thou must NEVER shy away from a forefit

18)Thou must streak on thy Varsity matches

19)Thou must take thy clothes off at any given oppertunity

20)Thou must excel at Fifa

21)Thou must do the unusual on a night out

22)Thou must be the maddest bas in the club to show you are a true student

23)Thou shalt make a paper airplane out of any papers given to thou by lecturers

24)Thou shalt always abide by the laws of spillage is lickage

25)Thou shalt agree that if thou rememberest the night before, thou wasn’t drunk enough

26)Thou shall complete thy work at the very last minute with references from google because drinking should be thines top priority and work leaves no time for it.

27)Thou shalt always drink some alcoholic beverage (preferably a homemade concoction of lager, vodka and red bull) in lectures and seminars as a form of pre drinking. No exceptions even if you are (for some reason) in a morning lecture.

28)Thou shalt have 99 problems but pulling clunge is not one

29)Thou must use words such as epic, lad and other student lingo

30)Thou shall never cockblock

31)Thou shalt place bros before hoes and Lays before A’s at all times.

32)Purchase Asda’s own kentucky Brand Whiskey and own brand coca-cola to remind you that you once drank Jack Daniels and Coke.

33)Thou shall produce student cards in every possible situation to ensure maximum discount

34)Thou shall always obey the rules of shotgun, regardless of current situation.

35)Thou shalt only drink twice a year; when tis thine birthday and when tis not

36)Thou shall never under any circumstances attend lectures before 11am or after 12 noon.

37)Thou shalt use being drunk as an excuse for outrageous behaviour.

38)Thou shall go out with a tenner and still wake up the next morning with no recollection of the night before

39)Thou shall not go to America but must be in some states

40)Thou shalt never be the designated driver

41)Thou shall obey the rule of quoting at least one Anchorman catchphrase with every drink poured.

42)Thou shall go out with £10 and awake the next morn with £41.25 with no recollection of how, why, where or what

“Mm, I love scotch. I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.”

43)Thou shall never refuse the dirty pint

44)Thou must refer to a shocking morning, afternoon and evening as a ‘shorning’, ‘shafternoon’ and a ‘shevening’

45)Thou shall wear thy wellies in freshers week as thou will be knee deep in clunge.

46)Thou shall never pre drink, as thou should have never stopped drinking.

47)Thou shall always be up for jäger bombs

48)Thou must never decline a challenge once the words ‘man up’ hath been said

49)Thou shall never use the term ” the walk of shame” but instead, “the stride of pride”

50)Thou shall never turn down any form of alcohol. Be it exam night or not.

51)Thou shalt always dance like neil off inbetweeners to get the clunge.

52)Thou shall flirt shamelessly for a double vodka red bull

53)Thou shall NEVER refer to a fellow drinker as “drunk” or “wasted” as they have merely begun the absorption of critical banter fuel

54)Thou shall always refer to Primark as Primani to show that you appreciate student fashion

55)Thy shall NEVER throw away a Pot Noodle once it is done, for it is then, a cup

56)Thou must remember, if it seems like a terrible idea it must be done

57)Thou must take a break after writing the title of the assignment

58)Thou shalt always remember that alcohol left by someone else in thy house becomes thine own

59)Thou shalt not merely kiss and tell, but shall shag and shout.

60)Thou shalt practice the art of minesweeping when funds are low, and continue when funds are not low as practice for low fund times.

61)Thou shall always fulfill their moral duty and save the Queen whenever the penny is dropped

The Student Prayer

Our Students in thy Union,
hallowed be your alcohol.
Your hangover to come,
your heads will be done,
on student discounts as it is in Costco.
Give us this day without a hangover,
Mum and Dad forgive us for our student debts,
as we also have forgiven our drunk friends.
And lead us not into a full time job,
but deliver us from the Job Centre.”


Post your suggested commandments on the wall and the most liked will be added


Cool (8) Fail (27) Funny (9) Gross (2) Sad (6) Stupid (14) WTF (4)

Categories: Lists, Text
  1. Fara
    August 25th, 2011 at 00:07 | #1

    So stupid

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    August 28th, 2011 at 04:07 | #2

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    August 28th, 2011 at 11:05 | #4

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    August 28th, 2011 at 11:05 | #6

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  7. Student Mother
    December 17th, 2011 at 03:00 | #7

    Brilliant!! Just wish it was 20 years ago and I was a student!

  8. valtrex
    April 4th, 2012 at 04:07 | #8

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